Acknowledging

At the age of 4, I had doctors saying that I was depressed. Nobody really believe that a child so young can have such a terrible mental illness, so of course it went overlooked. However, it is not a surprise that I would have developed depression, because I wasn’t living the type of childhood all children deserve.

I was suffering sexual abuse by my mother’s partner. Not only did I have it happening to me, but I also had to witness watching my older sibling being physically abused. I remember a couple of times where I was picked up early from daycare, and at home, he would talk to me about sex, he would tell me what to do, he would physically touch me in sexual ways and private parts, telling me that it was alright, he was allowed to, it was normal. He made me believe it was alright, I was a child after all, what did I know.

He made me believe it was alright.

Our neighbors found out what was going on , one afternoon while we were all locked out of the house with no shoes on our feet. My older sibling took us to the neighbors and explained what was happening. So they called family services, and we were taken away from the home and placed into foster care.

We were in one foster home for a year, and it was alright, but then we were moved. I was split from my older sister and that broke my heart, as she was the one who made me feel safe and secure in all this. My first night in a separate foster home from her was hard. I was so scared, and I had taken all of my stuffed animals and lined them all around my bed so I could feel safe. I was supposed to be able to feel safe and secure in this foster home, and feel protected, however, I faced sexual abuse in this foster home as well.

All of this caused me to become a very dependent child. I struggled to be independent, I always wanted to have someone around to depend on, which was a challenge, because I lived with my grandparents who never seemed to understand, or support me and always made me feel worse about the abuse.  They always had a way of making me feel like I was unloved, and unwanted, and unimportant.

Abuse and traumatic events are much stronger on children’s minds than you may believe.

As I got older, my mental illness got worse, but I still refused to acknowledge I needed professional help. I self harmed for 5 years, and struggled with thoughts of suicide and still refused to acknowledge I  needed help. My biggest problem was acknowledging all the abuse in my past, and admitting it has affected me. People don’t think I would have remembered anything, or have any understanding. I can promise you, that abuse and traumatic events are much stronger on children’s minds than you may believe. I remember it. I never got the help I needed when I was younger because everything went overlooked because I was so young.

I never really had the honor of knowing how it felt to have unconditional love from a mother, I spent so much time trying to find that love, trying to find that type of attention, because I felt alone, and I was not able to acknowledge the reason why I was becoming like this.

Fast forward to present year of 2016.  Everything has seemed to go downhill, I felt like I was loosing everyone and everything, I hit rock bottom very hard, and started to learn how to be independent, to take care of myself, and know what I need and just learn not have to depend on others. 15 years later from all of the abuse, and  I started waking up with flashbacks and having anxiety attacks every morning. I started to go to my doctor and mental health professionals to talk about everything from my past to my present, and get the help I needed. I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression, social anxiety and general anxiety. Once I graduated college, I moved out of my grandparents house to live with my older sister and my nieces, and started working in a new city. The change has been a big help in any recovery, and I still speak with professionals.

I still have a long journey ahead of me, but it definitely feels good to have a few major positive changes happen to help my journey.