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Try honesty

By Leanne Simpson

This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

Dear (Spilt Milk) Diary,

Sometimes good things can pull me into a depression as easily as the bad stuff. Once that pressure is there – once I have something to lose – everything changes. During the first six years of my illness, I scraped by. I was not my best, and I’m the first to admit it. And for once in my life, I’m reaching a period of relative stability, a place where I could maybe (just maybe) be my best, and instead I’m indulging in self-sabotage. What if my best isn’t as good as I remember? Who am I outside of my illness? Why are there only two scoops of raisins in Raisin Bran, and not three? These are the questions that keep me in bed every morning.

I was not my best, and I’m the first to admit it.

This week, especially. I’ve been having a hard time answering emails (sorry Suzanne and Marianne), keeping up conversations and moving forward. It’s like the part of me that cares is broken, and all that’s left is a cheap IKEA knock-off of my brain. I’m not sure how to help other people when I can barely help myself. For a long time, success in my family was equated to me being able to hold down a 9-to-5 job – and for a long time, that seemed near impossible considering my 14-hour medication knockout periods. Now, I’ve switched to a less sedative brand, landed a full-time communications job and my first day is in a week. I’m so scared that I’m going to let everyone down, and it won’t be my illness this time – it’ll just be me.

Part of me wonders if I’ve been using my illness as an excuse for not trying new things, if triggers are just my way of copping out. Of course I would never think that of anyone else – I believe that we all move at our own pace for a reason – but it’s easy to beat myself up. I’ve been very lucky this year and I don’t always feel deserving of what I have. I can hear Michael yelling at me now, “That’s depression talking!” but the voice always sounds so real that sometimes I forget. You’re allowed to have bad days, but if you have three in a row, I think you’ve got to do something different. Or increase your ice cream intake.

I believe that we all move at our own pace for a reason.

Today, I drove to a coffee shop and I’m forcing myself to write, even though it feels like nothing good can come out of me. This came out more like a journal entry than anything, but maybe that’s okay. Sometimes you just need a push to get rolling, and maybe tomorrow I’ll write a chapter of my book, or a letter to my mom, and that will be enough. This article is short, but I wrote it despite being in a dark place, and for that, it is beautiful. I guess sometimes I need a reminder that I can’t always be funny, but I will always be more real than the voice in my head. If you have any suggestions on how you get yourself out of a funk, I’d love to hear them!

Hugs,

– Leanne

Comments

nottheonlyone
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I stick post it notes all over my bathroom mirror. They say things like: “I am awesome!”, “I believe in myself!”, “I can do this!”, ” I am amazing!”
I say them over and over to myself and leave them up for as long as I need them. They were very helpful when starting my new job.

pepf150
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Congratulation on landing the communications job and i wish you all the best in your career choice.
As i said in a past comment, your *gift / talent* is how you are able to express yourself so well through writing / videos , so i am not surprised you landed the COMMUNICATION job.
As far as feeling scared to start a NEW job , it is a normal human condition we all go through when we are trying to prove our WORTH to others.
As for screwing up and letting others down , there were days i gave 100% effort and produced 0 % profit for the company and thought ” i should of stayed in bed that day “.
I know if you are as successful at your new career as you are here on * S N W * , you will do just fine.
If you do happen to have a ” i should of stayed in bed ” day , just remember today you were able to share with use your thoughts ( I wrote it despite being in a dark place ) even though you weren’t feeling up to it .

This may get you out of a funk and or at least answer a ? you asked :

1/ Favorite Bowl
2/ Favorite Ice Cream
3/ 1 Box of Raisin Bran
4/ 1 Extra Scoop Of Raisins

Place 1 Extra Scoop Of Raisins in Box of Raisin Bran and shake
Place 1 even layer of Ice Cream in bottom of bowl
Sprinkle 1 even layer of Raisin Bran
Place another even layer of Ice Cream on top

* thickness & amount of layers depends on your mood

** Crunchy = eat right away
** Soggy = let Ice Cream melt a bit

If this doesn’t get you out of your funk , the next day pour yourself a bowl of Raisin Bran and and tell me why they don’t put 3 scoops in L O L

Laura
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I soooo hear you and relate. Self sabotage is real and knowing that you are capable of doing it is very empowering. I know I expected to lose my job in the first six months because I was 100% sure I’d screw up and fail. I’ve been there for 2.5 years and even had a full on melt down in March where they had to send me home for a week. Still there.
You will be great. You are so awesome and likeable. Good luck girl!!

Marianne
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You are still funny when you’re down, maybe you just don’t feel funny. Kick all the self care into high gear and keep getting out, even if just to write a short article. Baby steps sometimes. We are all rooting for you.

Leanne
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All the of recipes and advice! Thanks guys – I’m already feeling much better about tomorrow 🙂

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