Alone

I’ve always felt alone. For years and years I ignored that feeling because I didn’t understand it and I told myself “this is what everybody feels, you’re not special, just ignore it, it will go away.”

To be fair, sometimes it does go away. I can have a good time, connect with people, get involved in a debate, or entrapped in an exciting sporting event. But once I’m alone again, it comes back.

There are two different types of being alone. The second type is the normal alone that everyone feels, the physical one; when you are literally the only person in your sight or presence. The first alone is the worse one. It’s the one that makes you feel alone in a room full of people or better yet, a world full of people. It’s the one that’s fueled by anxiety, doubt, and low self-confidence. It’s the one that makes you depressed.

I feel alone at least twice a day at a bare minimum. When I get up and when I go to bed. Everyday those moments of silence when I’m trying to fall asleep are terrifying. My mind could literally go off in any direction and keep me lying there tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling, re-thinking and re-regretting every decision I’ve ever made.

My bed may be comfortable, but it’s not comforting.

The mornings can be way worse. Especially if I don’t have anywhere to be or I don’t have someone depending on me to do something. There is an ever-growing temptation for me to just stay in my bed and not deal with the world. My bed may be comfortable, but it’s not comforting. Everyday when I wake up and realize I am alone (the physical alone) in my room, often times in my apartment, I feel alone (the worse one) again.

Luckily, I do have a great job that gets me out of bed most days, but I also often work nights, so my “mornings” can be full days. I probably shouldn’t say luckily since I worked my ass off to get it and luck really didn’t have much to do with it.

And that might be the worst part, that from the outside looking in; I’m a pretty successful person. I finished my undergrad degree before most of my high school friends. I’ve been a model employee with pretty much every job I’ve had. I have a supportive family. I’m good with kids. I never had a major personal feud with anyone really. I moved halfway across the country to follow my career dreams. I have a job that some people would kill to have. I was even on the field for Jose Bautista’s home run heard round the world.

But when I’m alone, none of those things matter. All that really matters is that I’m alone. Why am I alone? Why does no one want to be around me? Is anyone thinking about me right now or ever? Why am I so forgettable? How come nobody invites me to do things? Why am I always the one who has to go find someone to be around and not the other way? What am I missing? Am I ever going to find someone? What am I doing wrong? How does everyone else seem to connect so easily? Will anyone ever love me? Is there anything about me that’s attractive?

None of those questions have good answers.

They know now and they try to understand.

In the past year and half, I’ve become more open about my anxiety and depression. I had a bit of a breakdown and basically just spilled the beans all at once to my mom and eventually the rest of my family. They’re not mental health professionals so it’s not like they had all the answers, but they know now and they try to understand and that’s all that matters. I shared a few tidbits through social media rather cryptically for a while and didn’t really get much response for the most part.

I had a major breakthrough when I decided to let my classmates know a little more detail last Fall upon the closing of our classes together and got an extremely pleasant surprise. One of my classmates/friends was involved in SickNotWeak and she offered to listen to my story.

For a few hours I didn’t feel alone anymore.

The day we met might have been the most important day of my life. I was able to have a completely open, honest, vulnerable conversation about my struggles and I found out she had some of the same struggles. I was rather taken back, given how well she seemed to be put together, but that gave me so much more hope and for a few hours I didn’t feel alone anymore.

On Bell Let’s Talk day this year, I published a lengthy personal account of my bout with anxiety and depression and what it’s like to be alone. I got an amazing response of people, friends, family, and strangers telling me how they share some of the same feelings, and if they didn’t, they told me how brave I was for sharing and for fighting.

All those questions and the feeling of being alone still happens, but I’m not the only one who knows about them and I’m nowhere near as alone as I once was. I read a story from SickNotWeak’s community section everyday. The faster I do it, the smaller the chance of me going into a downward spiral of anxiety and depression. I don’t have an answer for anxiety or depression, but sharing helps.