October 6, 2016
Disclaimer: SickNotWeak does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
What if we told you telling someone to “toughen up” causes more harm than good?
As an individual who has been battling depression for the past nine years, I can’t begin to tell you the ridiculous things that have come out of the mouths of people that were trying to be “supportive” but were actually making matters worse for me.
You see, when an individual is in a state of depression, they don’t need to hear things such as “toughen up”, “why can’t you just look at the positive?”, “this will pass, just think about your future” or the worst of all, “you know there are others going through worse things then you, you need to be grateful”.
“why can’t you just look at the positive?”
It is understandable that it’s difficult to understand what a depressed person may be going through and how they are feeling. However, telling them to toughen up and look at the better things in life is like telling a person with cancer to not worry about it and just walk it off.
In fact, in some situations this can cause an individual’s state to worsen.
“Hearing things like “toughen up” can have potential negative effects on an individual with a mental illness because it is often not under the control of the person to change the symptoms (at least not immediately). The individual may develop feelings of shame because they are not consciously able to toughen up. It’s good to focus on the strengths of a person and ask him/her what their needs are. This is true in general and this is the way one can really help, by showing you care and addressing their needs in the best possible way,” said Tina Malti, an associate professor in the department of Psychology at the University of Toronto.
There is no one size fits all approach.
Furthermore, there are various ways people can help, Psychology Today suggests to listen compassionately, understand depression by getting to know the individual’s symptoms and treatments and doing a bit of research yourself. Other methods include receiving professional support and helping with day to day living and recognize the warning signs for suicide.
“There is no one size fits all approach to lend support to individuals who have a mental illness. People should listen and try to understand what it means to have a mental illness. They can try to be proactive and help the person in a way that addresses the issues associated with the particular mental illness the individual has, as well as his/her needs and strengths. It’s important to understand what it means, using what we know from research and get into a participatory approach. In other words, we can give an individual with a mental illness the voice to tell what they need, and support them proactively with what it is that would help,” says Malti.
No matter what mental illness an individual is fighting, it’s highly suggested that those who truly want to be there and provide support try to get a good understanding of what the individual may be going through. As at the end of the day, battling a mental illness is something out of the individual’s control so suggesting them to simply “get over it” and “toughen up” – even if you’re coming from a good place and trying to be there for them will have a negative effect on them.
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Omg you nailed it ! I have decided now that I am going back to the I am fine time in my life ! I can’t take anymore of the ” just be more positive ” or ” just think of your grandkids ” ” don’t be so selfish ” ” you are ungrateful ” ! I just can’t !
I don’t like it when people say this to me, or to other people. It’s the worst. Instead of saying such things, people should provide encouragement:
“you can get through this situation, and if there’s anything I can help you with, just let me know.”
or, this is a good one I like to say, “I’m on your side”.
Individuals who say to “get over it”, or “toughen up”, let the other person feel further isolated, and as if they are fighting a battle by themselves.
Another really good thing to do, a great medicine, is to simply listen to the person. Understand how they are feeling. People who say these things are not understanding, sympathizing, or empathizing. They aren’t very sensitive to the anguish.
For those who do say these things, start being self-introspective. Then, you can learn that your words do nothing to help someone. And then, you can realize there are better ways to provide support, ultimately helping everyone involved.
Gosh! That was good!..As a person who is battling depression and anxiety for past 4 years this spoke to my heart. I don’t even feel like telling people that I’m not okay anymore. Putting up a mask of happiness is much easier than opening yourself up only to hear something like ‘If you can’t handle this how will you handle life, everybody has problems’.
My very best friend, who has herself suffered from severe depression, told me, almost screamed at me yesterday that I am WEAK and need a few slaps across the head. I cried on the bus when a woman asked me for money and I was unable to help. My friend later told me it is not out of having a good heart that I cried, but because I am WEAK.
I am devastated, and hh, ironically enough, yes, now, I do feel beyond weak.
Another way people can convey “toughen up” is when they say, “only you can help yourself.” Really?!? Gee, thanks for telling me, I didn’t know that it was all up to me!
Thank you Neha Lobana (and of course, Michael Landsberg) !
I am pleased to read that people besides myself are trying to stop the harm caused when (“well-meaning”) others inflict their unsolicited, ignorant advice such as: “you need to… (change your situation, attitude, get a job, get away from________, go to a shelter), etc. etc. etc., things will get better/turn around, think positive/use positive language, just keep asking, and it will happen, don’t be so sensitive, just suck it up, put on your big-girl/boy pants, pull up your socks/boots, no one’s going to help, you have to help yourself – no one gives a shit, life is what you make it, let it go, get over it, other people have it worse than you, it could be worse, (and one I’ve heard more times than I can remember) : look at what Ghandi went through “… The list goes on and on and on.
I am deeply offended, hurt and devalued by these types of condescending, dismissive, diminishing directives. It’s like hearing: “you are worthless, not worthy of compassion/empathy and not entitled to feel your own feelings and should be able to snap yourself out of it.”
I have tried to enlighten and induce sensitivity by relaying that those things are some of the worst/most harmful things to say to a person with depression – like adding salt to wounds/insult to injury. I draw on analogies such as: “Would you order a person in a wheelchair to get up and walk up stairs? A person suffering the effects of chemotherapy/radiation to stop vomiting, grow their hair back, go run a marathon?
So… for those “well-meaning” people who are inclined to follow their impulse to prescribe/dish out orders pertaining to health conditions they are not trained for or haven’t experienced themselves, instead of assuming and judging (that you know more or something the person with depression doesn’t) why not ASK the person questions and listen to everything they say without belittling their pain? Show them you care and value them and want to support them – here are a few suggestions:
• always return their attempts to communicate promptly, rather than avoid them
• offer and be a friend/confident
• listen without judgement and without giving unsolicited advice
• ask the person about their feelings and acknowledge them, don’t try to belittle, argue, negate or dictate their feelings
• don’t try to tell them what they should/should not think (feel or do)
• validate the individual as a worthwhile human being
• let them know (if) you care, by actions (not just empty words) – be available to them, spend time with them – so they’re not alone
• do things with them, invite and include them (walks, bicycling, eating meals etc. –whatever they might enjoy or be able to tollerate)
• ask them how you can best support them
• if you offer assistance, be sure to follow through
August 18 2018
Ive been told to thoughen up thruout my whole life.what it does is pushing me further into isolation.
Undelines my already low selfconfidence and selfdoubth.
The challenge then I have is to break out from that unhealthy circle of thought .to let it go .rise above it.
Telling someone to thoughen up is like putting a boulder into theyre path.
Maybe these things are said to make themselves feel better.to guard them from being dragged down by my mood.
It hurts because I have to walk away.