Mar 13, 2017
By Michael Landsberg
This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.
To get some hope- you have to do one thing. Change one thing and there is hope!
Today is hard. My Dad died when I was 21 from an extensive and very painful form of Cancer. My life has been headed downhill for quite awhile now. I have 2 children who need me , but the way I am now I think they may be better off without me. I suffer from Bipolar and a heavy anxiety disorder and to top off chronic back pain and a muscle disease that also carries with it most symptoms of pain. However right here right now, I’m ready to give up and it may be due to everything mixed together, but I feel as though I have no reason for the emotional abuse I put myself through and certainly no plain reason for the emotional pain. I own my own home, my children are healthy and beautiful, I have someone who supports me in anything I want. I have friends who would be here in a second, and my Mom, who may be sick but still does anything in her power to keep me up and going. I go without nothing. Up until recently I thought it was because I felt the house needed an overhaul, but we just got all new appliances, furniture and a ton of other trimmings. So it was after that, that things got the worst they’ve ever been. I think because I realized I couldn’t buy my happiness no matter how hard I try. So here I am. Not knowing right from wrong, light from dark, black from white, up from down, you name it. Left with no real solid reason to feel what I feel. Which is the hardest part to swallow. I want to know hope when I see it, but I’ve been back and forth from this dark place for almost 27 years now. Endless meds, therapies, so what’s next? I fear if by chance I make it out of this dark place , the next visit will be my last. I can only come back here so many times. It’s like a repetitive nightmare, only one of these times I’m not gonna wake up. I just think that I’ve turned every corner, and I finally realized I’m just driving in a circle.
I am Jenna I had bipolar since I was 16 year old not ease I have my good days and bad days
I have OCD I talk about hockey lor and time lot like what time meet me we’re other thing about time what do one thing go next I had 6 open heart surgery and I have Bipolar I take pill help with it I got bipolar when was 16 year old