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Finding the grey

Guest Author: Catherine

This content contains explicit and sensitive information that may not be suitable for all ages.

I can see the difference in how I treat others and how I treat myself.

I would do everything within my power and ability to help them through what they are experiencing. When it comes to helping myself, I get incredibly lost within my own head. When I look at those who are presenting something to me, I can identify the illogical more rationally. It is easier to access the tools within my head to help walk them through their own thinking to find the evidence that can alter their thinking. That is when what I have learned from my own adventure become clear, how I can take something that at some point I found helped me.

I struggle to see the part where there is the unknown

I understand what works for me does not necessarily work for someone else so it comes down to finding ways of applying methods that will work for the individual. It comes down to taking the person through steps of recognizing the illogical or emotional thought, finding the grey, and then the evidence that falsifies the original thought. When it comes to battling my nemesis which is my brain processing, I get stuck in an all or nothing, black and white thinking. I struggle to see the part where there is the unknown or what I am learning to refer to as the grey area.

After a spiralling decline for several months, I was at a complete low where nothing felt right, no hope, no future, I would never get better; this was my day to take my life.

I made the one phone call I knew would save my life

I was fed up and done with everything that was spiralling out of control that there was no saving me from what I was currently facing. So that afternoon, I got into my car and was driving to where I was going to take my life, I had the plan all set and as I drove, I knew I had a few kilometres left once I was beyond a safe place, that there would be no turning back. However a moment came when the one song, that I have found safety in since high school came on. The one part that has saved my life more times then not “Dear Ambellina, the Prise wishes you to watch over me,” came on and everything in my life stopped. I made the one phone call I knew would save my life, that would hold me to admitting myself to the hospital.

I never reached the few kilometres that would take me away from it all, instead I went home and grabbed my bag that I always have packed. I was ready to do this alone, however, I was scared and luckily my sister was home to take me. I know regardless I would have gone to the hospital but with her there, it made the quote I hold onto that more true; “You’re never alone. Okay?”

While I still face the highs and lows of Bipolar II, I am aware of how this is something that is going to need ongoing treatment to maintain. For the first time in my life however, I am starting to feel that this is just who I am. This is my emotional, irrational thought controlling my thought process. I did not ask to have this in my life, rather it was something I was handed along my adventure.

It is a ongoing adventure

So now it is finding what works, finding the grey amongst the black and white. I am scared of what is to come – how long until I break? Am I strong enough to make it through? There is always going to be an uncertainty and I believe that is part of my grey. I could play out a million what if scenarios in my head but that is not logical, it will not help in anyway. I can tell you that even after three weeks since being discharged, I have had days where I wanted this all to stop and other days where everything is worth living for. It is a ongoing adventure that some days are easier to process than others.

I know I have constant support from family, friends, and the medical team, however, I have to figure out what works for me when I am on my own. I have the tools to utilize mindfulness, CBT, DBT, and one of my biggest outlets is writing which sometimes get posted on a blog (digglebot.com).

Verbally I struggle to get across my thoughts, feelings, and emotions but give me a keyboard and I can tell it exactly as it is. Nothing is held back when it comes to writing, it is raw and it is the actual truth. I struggle with expressing my mental health as I feel a burden, yet holding it in is just as much a burden on me.

Comments

Linda
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So proud

Bri
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Keep writing because I am listening so

Linda
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Still learning,

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